Have you ever sat outside your house as a child watching the people pass by or sat on a wall that was not meant to be sat on…”Get down from there…you’ll hurt yourself”…sitting there in all your majesty thinking and contemplating the next move. A feeling of the triumnphant…a voyeuristic younger you that was always safe from harm. This was your castle and you were the King. All you had to do was watch and wonder. You had nothing to rush off to…no appointments to keep except for the sausage sandwiches that your mother served up followed by some rhubarb tart. Yes, this was the life of luxury. Perhaps at the time you didn’t realise the significance of how lucky and priviliged you were….maybe you were bored…waiting on the next activity to pop up. To be entertained was your primary goal in life. Those days were truly the days when all was fine with life.
My life seems to be harking back to those halcyon days once again. I remember the reason behind me starting this whole journey of confession to an unknown world and the reasons behind it. I was out of work and had to get the weight off the proverbial chest before I buckled under it. Now I find myself in the same position again….no work today…not since 30 September. I have been layed off and am now searching for a job once again. It’s like looking for apples in a field full of stumps….where all the trees have been chopped down by the jolly woodcutter and the only apples left are the rotting cores left behind….not good enough to eat…a reminder of a once bountiful orchard that always produced the most ripe and juiciest of apples.
What do you do when this happens? Firstly, you look at all the others who are in the same position as you….wonder at how this could happen…amazed at the amount of people in the same boat as you. Then you just keep plugging away at applying for a job. There is always something there for someone….from empty stumps grow the first shoots of a new orchard. It may take a while before apples are produced in my orchard but hey….I must stop these orchard analogies….I’m getting stomach cramp from the thought of it.
As my Dad said last week and every week since it seems…”Hope dies last!!”…This was after I mentioned that I might have to go abroad for work…Australia, New Zealand, Canada perhaps…The look of fear that could be seen in his eyes. He had been on that same ship so many years before me and knows how difficult it can be. The future is very dim indeed. There are some chinks of light in the distance but I really need a light like no other …. a fastnet rock lighthouse to guide me on my way and when I see that light I will set course for it immediately. I don’t want to go abroad. I’ll do anyhting to stay here in the green isle but when you have nothing but a few quid in your pocket and bills to pay…there may be no other choice. I want to be able to give my kids plenty of sausage sandwiches followed by rhubard tart….and some cream too!!!
Today I have one of those phone interviews…thats why I’m writing here now…to keep my mind off it. Hopefully, something will come of it. So cross your fingers and say a prayer. Light a candle in your kitchen window tonight and spare a thought for little old me. You never know how things will turn out. I got this far along the road and the road is long, my friends. I better make some more jam sandwiches.